Don’t Panic! (How to Respond to Worst-Case-Scenarios with Empathy, Affirmation, and Optimism)

By James M. Rochford

Sean McDowell—the son of famous Christian apologist and speaker Josh McDowell—was the ultimate church kid. Growing up, he wondered if his faith was really his own, or if he was just adopting the views of his parents. Years later, he recounts two pivotal conversations with his father that changed his life. In the first conversation, Sean shared about what would happen if he had a fall into sexual sin:

When I was a kid, my father was writing and speaking publicly about abstinence. Yet I was twelve years old and my hormones were kicking in. I remember thinking, if I became sexually active—I could really blow it for my dad. So I decided to ask him what would happen if I got a girl pregnant, and I will never forget what he said: “Son, I don’t care if the whole world calls me a hypocrite; you and I will work it through together.” This was one of the most meaningful ways my father communicated to me that his love was unconditional.[1]

Sean also recounts a time when he shared his doubts and unbelief with his dad, Josh. He told his father:

“Dad, I’m not sure if I believe in Christianity. I want to know what is true, but I have a lot of questions.”

What would you say if your son or daughter spoke these words to you? How would you respond if these words came from a young Christian you deeply cared about? Well, as a nineteen-year-old college student, I (Sean) spoke these words to my father, not knowing how he would respond, especially since I was questioning the very message he has committed his life to proclaiming.

And yet I will never forget my father’s confident response: “Son, I am glad to see you exploring your faith seriously, because you can’t live on my convictions. You have to know for yourself what you think is true. If you genuinely seek truth, I am confident you will follow Jesus, because He is the truth. Only walk away from what you have learned growing up if you conclude it is false. And know that your mom and I will love you no matter what you believe.”

Not long ago, I decided to ask my dad how he was really feeling when I told him about my doubt years earlier, assuming he must have been deeply concerned at the time. Was he worried I might abandon my faith? What was actually going through his mind?

His response caught me off guard. He told me that he wasn’t worried about my faith journey because of the depth of our relationship. While he believes the evidence for Christianity is compelling, it was our relationship that gave him confidence I would stay in the faith. There were certainly no guarantees, of course, and my dad is endlessly optimistic by nature, but his response illustrates a point we want to drive home in this book: truth is best learned and sustained in relationship.[2]

In his book Christian Parenting: A Relational Approach, Dennis McCallum shares about the “revolt” of his daughter Jessica (see Chapter 13: Teenage Rebellion). McCallum recounts his daughter’s shoplifting, drug use, and screaming matches. The story is quite powerful to read in its entirety, because it engenders a sense of heartache and fear. Yet McCallum has this to say in his conclusion:

Looking back, I thought it was interesting that the whole time she was in revolt, I was never that worried. The main reason was that during that whole two year period, she never missed a “Dad and Jess day.” She would come and rouse me out, insisting it was time to go out. That’s not the revolt I knew. In real revolt, like the one I staged, there was no going and hanging out with Dad! I hated my parents and wouldn’t tell them anything. She was sharing things with me, even including boyfriend details, spiritual thoughts, and poems. Although her episode with drugs was dangerous and could have ended much worse, I continued to feel an underlying confidence that she was too rooted in her family and with God to take this very far. I constantly reminded God that I had put her on the altar and she belonged to him.[3]

Times of strife and stress can either rip relationships apart or bond them together. As leaders, we need to look at these times as opportunities to grow closer to those we love and lead.

Discussion

(1) To be clear, the people we lead are fellow adults—not our children! However, these stories spotlight principles that might carry over into the realm of leadership and discipleship. What lessons might we learn from these stories above?

(2) What are key ways to build relational love when a person you’re leading has grown cynical or suspicious toward you?

(3) Josh McDowell didn’t pull his responses off the top of his head. Instead, Sean later learned that his father had a list of worst-case-scenarios that his children might share with him. As a good apologist, Josh planned how he would reply to each disaster—should one occur. That way, when one of his kids shared a serious problem, Josh already had a thoughtful and relational response. Josh’s responses were powerful because:

(1) He empathized with how his son was struggling.

(2) He affirmed his relationship in an authentic way.

(3) He shared an optimistic view of the future.

EXERCISE: How would you respond if someone you were leading shared these statements below? How would you (1) empathize with their struggle, (2) authentically affirm your relationship, and (3) share an optimistic view for the future?

“I’m so angry about my friend’s death that I want to give up on God!”

EMPATHIZE: